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March 7th, 2010

01:58 pm - Where's the road? I'm beginning to wonder where my life is going at the moment, and although I've always known that I've never really been in control of anything, God's control over my life has become more and more evident as time passes. And while this should give me comfort, knowing that somebody more qualified than myself has the wheel, I wish I had some indication as to what is going to happen next. I'm not even sure how I ended up where I am . . . Just a few years ago, if you told me this is what my life was going to be, I'd have told you to see a therapist. There I was, a socially-awkward college student pre-med hopeful with bad mcat scores, with no boyfriend and no prospects, and with absolutely no intention of mothering my own child. If you had told me that in a matter of 3-4 years I would be married, pregnant, and in medical school, laughter would have ensued. How did I get here? God is pretty amazing, as Jon is the biggest blessing in my life, though he can frustrate me at times. And medical school, while not exactly what I expected, is finally starting to grow on me. After soooo many years of trying to get in, and knowing that it's the only thing I wanted, I was extremely disappointed with the experience as a whole. But I think I'm finally starting to find my place in school, I am starting to make some friends, and while I don't know if I'll ever be close with anybody in school, it's nice not to feel completely isolated and alone. I am extremely surprised by how supportive everybody is being to me. Even the school staff. I thought the baby shower the girls were throwing me was just gonna be something small, but they got me way more than I expected. In a way, I hate being "the pregnant girl" in my school, but at the same time, it's sort of a blessing in disguise because it has allowed the other students a way to get to know me better. And while I do perpetually fear failing every exam I take, I'm passing so far, and I know I'm not the only one who is constantly afraid of being kicked out for being too stupid. And as far as being pregnant - how did that happen? Well, I know how it happened, theoretically, I'm not in medical school for nothing. God's plans never quite seem to be aligned with mine, but I have faith that He knows better than I do (He has proven that thus far in my life), and that somehow things will work out. I'm not ready to be a parent, and I don't think Jon is either, but then again, I suppose nobody ever is. I just hope we are strong enough to get through this. I think we are both in denial, I know I try my best not to think about it (though, I'm overwhelmed enough with school, I don't have time to think of anything else most of the time). And a boy? I don't know what to do with a little boy! I'm going to be a miserable failure of a parent. And why in the world wasn't I warned a little bit more about all the lovely things that pregnant women go through? I suppose they keep those on the down low until a person gets pregnant, cause otherwise, there would be an end to the human race. For example, I'm always in mortal fear of sneezing during class, or basically sneezing at all, because when I sneeze I can no longer control my bladder (ick!). And while I thought insomnia was bad enough, now I am sleeping a little bit more, but feeling more tired than I ever have in my life. I have to be extremely careful about the amount of what I eat, and what I eat, because nearly anything can set my stomach off, things I used to love are now off-limits. And on top of having trouble sleeping, I always get really bad heartburn at night, and that prevents me from sleeping even more. And poor Jonny, I have absolutely no control over my emotions, and get crazy and upset over absolutely nothing. Combine that with the stress of school, and I'm having a mental breakdown at least twice a week. And those are some of the milder, less awkward problems. Sigh, and through all of this, I still have to go through school and spend hours studying everyday. I don't know how I'm going to make it to the end of the school year, I would NEVER suggest getting pregnant to anybody in medical school, it is simply the worst idea ever. And I still don't know what to name squishy. Sigh. To come up with a name would be acknowledging the inevitability of the situation producing an actual child. . . I suppose I need to study . . . we are studying the reproductive system, haha, very funny God! Current Mood: stressed

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September 17th, 2009

11:55 am - a gap I have yet another hour before my next class (they really shouldn't have a gap from 10-1, I can't get any work done during the day like that) and ran out of things to do, I already used the library's internet to watch the latest episode of Glee (good show, strange, but entertaining), so I might as well do some lovely blogging. So, I'm in week five of medical school . . . it's hectic, and difficult, and mostly boring since we are just doing basic sciences (biochemistry = hell! If I were to end up in hell, it would be a tiny cold room, with just enough light to read by and the only book to read would be a biochemistry text book). I did pretty well on my first exam, I got a 87%! I wish I could have gotten at least a 90, but it's passing, and there are no grades here, just pass/fail (thank goodness!). While I think I'm doing okay in that class at least, I am failing miserably at being social. I just don't connect with any of the students here, which makes me endlessly lonely . . . specially considering I will be here for the next four years! For example, right now I am sitting in one of the community rooms, by myself, blogging and eating my lunch. Everybody else seems to be making friends to hang out with, even the weird awkward dude, but not me. What is wrong with me? I suppose if I was a big drinker I might get along better, then I'd have something in common with the other students. Granted, not everybody here drinks, but it seems like it, and I don't want to. Last friday, after our first exam was over, a couple of the guys had a party at their house with kegs and such. I didn't go. I did, however, go to the philharmonic concert with Jon, and one girl from the school, Alison. Afterwards we went over to the apartment of a couple girls from school, where everybody was just sitting around getting drunk and watching youtube videos of music videos. I kinda was just wondering what the fun was in that. Maybe this is because I'm deathly shy, and have a really difficult time getting to know people if it depends on my own effort, if they make a point to get to know me, I would do very well. And tuesday is going to be my first standardized patient. I don't know if I'm ready for that, I barely communicate with my cat, let alone a fake patient who is grading me on my interpersonal skills. If we do really badly, the professor is going to take us aside and kindly let us know and give us tips to do better. What's he going to tell me? Take some medicine so you're not so socially anxious? Well, I suppose I'll have to just trust that God put me here for a reason, and that through this experience he'll help me grow into the caring physician I hope to become someday. At least He gave me Jon - I'd never make it if after a long lonely day at school I had to go back to an empty lonely apartment. Though, I do sorta wish I could change my mind sometimes, and just become a hermit - stay at home and write books nobody will ever read, and make friends with the characters on television that I love so dearly - does this make me emotionally disturbed? or maybe just plain lazy - med school is a LOT of work. Well, that is all depressing, life isn't that bad, I'm doing okay in school so far, I have a wonderful husband, a comical cat, friends i can talk to when I'm really down (albeit online or over the phone, but better than nothing), and a really good library (wow, I'm a geek!). Now all I need to find is a really good church, and I'll be set. Though, I am going to the doctor today. I had the worst migraine on tuesday, and made up my mind to see if a doctor can perscribe me something for these headaches of mine. They never did find out what was causing my heart to be so fast, all the tests came out normal, so maybe i'll have to mention this to the new doctor too. Well, I guess I've run out of things to ramble about, and nobody is going to read this, if you do, I'm sorry I'm so boring and depressing. Maybe I'll write a better one next time. Current Mood: blah

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August 27th, 2009

11:44 am - 2 weeks in Sooooo. . . . I'm two weeks into my medical school life, and how am I doing? . . . . here's an indication: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!! haha, nah, it's not quite that bad. There is a TON of work, but so far it hasn't been overly difficult, though I'm sure that will come with time. We have been basically been doing review stuff so far. In fact, I'd go as far to say, this is a LOT simpler than I expected med school to be. Which most likely means that some day soon I'll be hit in the face with too much work that is too difficult for me to do, and I'll be blindsighted. Ah well, here's to hoping that day never comes. It does help that we aren't going straight into anatomy, because that is one of the more difficult courses in med school, not only the content, but the whole slicing and dicing of a human form is pretty grotesque. I've been around cadavers before, but I've never done the cutting. I should be fine as long as I get past the first incision, and if we can keep their faces covered for most of it. I don't think I'm going to like disecting the face, but I guess it's just a neccessary part of the whole experience of a first year med student. Though, first I have to make it through Cellular and Molecular Basis of Life, which would be fine if the majority of it wasn't biochemistry, which was my weakest subject in college. So please pray for me . . . that is if anybody reads this. Still on the lookout for a good church. We went to Steamtown Church this past Sunday, but are unsure about it, we are going to go back there to give it another chance. The pastor who spoke was a visiting pastor, we didn't exactly agree with what he said all the time, and he was deadly droll, so we are going to hold our judgement until we hear one of the church pastors give a sermon. Also, the service was a little out of whack because they didn't have most of their equipment, and were meeting in an unusual place, since the building next to their usual meeting place burned down and caused smoke damage to the theather where they meet. What else is going on in my life besides school? pretty much nothing. School kinda takes up all my time, and I'm still finding it difficult to relate to my fellow students. I'd like to get to know some of them better, but am unsure how to proceed in that direction, as all the activities they partake in include alcohol, which I'd prefer to stay away from if at all possible. Hopefully I'll find a way, otherwise, I might be studying alone all four years (yikes, that would be horrendous, I'll never pass!). I'm so thankful that I have Jon around, otherwise I'd be lonely. Well, I suppose I should be working on a project, or studying, or something . . . At least writing helps me to gain perspective and destress a little. . . Till next time . . . later! Current Mood: blah

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August 14th, 2009

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August 7th, 2009

02:09 am - It's two in the morning and I can't sleep (shocker) Doesn't the subject line say it all? So, being as I cannot think in logical connected thoughts at this hour, especially when I am this tired . . . I am just going to write whatever is going on in my brain at the particular moment that I write, wonder what will happen??? I love books. . . Harry Potter is awesome - though I wish that it was set in America so I could have played Ginny Weasly in the movies, but . . . . British people have bad teeth, do they not have dentists? Or do they just ignore them? Do British dentists have bad teeth too? Maybe that's why the people ignore them . . . I'm glad I have sisters now, though, technically I always had one sister (two if you count the years I pretended my brother was a girl), but we never really connected at all, there is almost no common bond between us, sometimes I wonder how we came out of the same family, and I wish we talked more, I would like to know who my sister really is . . . I'm glad I have an amazing husband - I truly am blessed. All those years of lamenting over being single, and praying for a boyfriend (silly, and misguided I know, why would God bother with such silly things when there is all sorts of other crap happening in the world?) and I was sooo lucky I found somebody so wonderful - there really is slim pickings out there . . . (are slim pickings? grammar???) I think I overuse elipses . . . . but they are . . . totally . . . great . . . hahaha . . . I think I'm giddy from lack of sleep . . . . . . . . . . . Sometimes, I wish people weren't so close-minded about everything. You can learn a lot just by simply listening. And I find if you listen to somebody, they are more likely to respect you and return the favor. Though you may never agree with somebody, you might understand how they came to their conclusions . . . Very few people truly listen to you, if you find somebody that does, keep them around, because they are one in a million. The really good ones listen when there is nothing being said. . . . . (like in all the elipses of a conversation, haha) . . . I wish my family was more of a family . . . and I wish I had more memories of my childhood, at least good ones . . . why is it that everything before 6th grade is mostly fuzzy? and even stuff that is recent is hard to recall . . . what was it I did yesterday? . . . How the heck am I going to make it through medical school? Will everybody there drink? Will I be the only Christian? I don't think I'd make it through at all without my Duckie! Am I ready to be tortured mentally? Do I really have the abilities to do this, mental or social? Sometimes I wonder why God wants me to be a doctor, but I suppose one shouldn't question God . . . I wish I majored in psychology, though I would be over self-diagnosing, and profiling everybody I ever came into contact with out of pure habit. . . Am I as screwed up as I think, do most people realize what I keep inside of myself? Does anybody suspect just how psychotic I truly am? Goodness, I make my husband wash his feet before he can go to bed - and oddly enough, he obliges, he must realllly love me or something . . . . Oh . . . My . . . . GOSH!!! I just killed the largest flying insect ever - that I've ever seen anyway, ick ick ick ick icky (shivers with disgust) and I thought that mosquito in my apt was big yesterday, ugh! Thankyou inventor of the fly swatter . . . I could really go for a brownie right about now . . . or some peanuts, I love peanuts, though I think I should stop eating them, every time I do, it feels like my throat is closing up and I cough a lot, but I don't think I'm allergic to them, because as far as I've noticed, I can eat peanut butter just fine, perhaps dry roasted peanuts are just too dry of a food when I am constantly dehydrating myself . . . I hate having to pee all day . . . Maybe dehydration leads to faster hearts??? I hope I'm not going to die of some random heart problem, unless by getting it I can diagnose and fix it in other people so they don't have to suffer the same fate as I do . . . Death scares me. Really, really scares me. One of the reasons I want to be a doctor. It's all a stall for death. Though ultimately, we can only stall for so long. It amazes me how adaptations work, but humans are too stupid to adapt. Like, look at all the fat people in America. There is an increasing number of humans on the earth, and less and less natural resources in the way of food, in addition, humans have become more sedentary in nature, thusly, they do not need as many calories to survive. Our bodies have adjusted our metabolisms to a lower rate, so that we can survive on less food, so that what the earth can produce will be able to sustain larger populations, there is enough food in the world to feed everybody, yet there are large proportions of the population that fail to understand they should eat less, and thus our obesity crisis. And then there are still millions of people around the world starving to death as we throw away huge amounts of uneaten or unused food. Adapt people! Stop stuffing your faces!!! I still want a brownie . . . I'm going to become one of those fat people, aren't I? Why would a person trust a fat doctor? Why is the world obsessed with celebrities? Can't we leave them alone? I could eat cereal for every meal for the rest of my life, and be perfectly happy. It's how I got through college, and through my childhood to some extent. I hate being a picky eater. I really wish I could indulge in cooking classes, but there would be no point, because I wouldn't be able to cook anything I would eat - why did I have to be raised on junk food? I hope I can train my children better . . . if I ever get any . . . . What is the government thinking? Have they always been this cracked? Universal Healthcare is one thing, but this bill they are trying to pass through is more like "Universal Screw Everybody Over " - does anybody really even know what's in it, and what it will mean to the future of our medical system, there won't be a system anymore, it will collapse in upon itself - we are already at a major shortage of physicians in this country, why make it worse? I hope I can own a decently nice dependable vehicle one day, I know I'll never get my dream of a mini, but one day I hope to not have to worry about my car breaking down for no apparent reason and leaving me stranded. When has our world become so materialistic? Because to me, things just make your life more complicated. I'm not a hippie or anything, I just think that the more I've been given, the less I appreciate things, I don't want to be held down by all the things that belong to me . . . I want to focus on what really matters in life - the people I love, and the people who need to be loved (pretty much everybody). Sometimes, I think I've been born in the wrong era. I wish I was switched at birth. Sometimes, I secretly wish something horrendous would happen to me, just so people would notice me, and come visit me in a hospital - I like hospitals, they have fun toys, also, I think scars are pretty cool. I have an entirely too overbearing need to be loved - poor Jon, how could he possibly keep up? What is that high pitched noise? And why do none of the clocks in this place ever say the same time? I hope Jon is okay . . . I hope he didn't need to be punished by Louie . . . I hope Louie is okay, I love that stupid puppy, even if he has the propensity to stink up a room like no other animal . . . Well, I am really really really tired, and I'm pretty sure nobody will ever read this, and if they do, I doubt they'll get this far into my nighttime ramblings, so I am going to take my somewhat dizzy and fuzzy brain and attempt to conquer it into a sleeping state . . . . perhaphs I shall dream of sentient gelatin . . . Good night! (or morning, since it's 3:15 now) Current Location: sellersville Current Mood: tired

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June 13th, 2009

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June 7th, 2009

05:06 pm - Bored . . . I am slowly going crazy . . . . . . . . . . . What to write about? hmmmm . . . . Well, since I no longer have a job, I have lots of time to spend at the house, but I find it difficult to be productive here. Perhaps after a week or two, I will feel more rested, and then I will have the energy to do all the things I want to do. Like clean, or study, or, oh wait . . . I said the things I WANT to do, haha, silly me. Well, I think it is a good thing that I don't have to work for the next two months, because I probably really need the break before going full-throttle at medical school (because everybody I have spoken to either in med school, or who has graduated from med school has told me something to the effect of "NOOOO!!!! DON'T do it!!! Don't go to medical school!! It is pure hell, you won't even have time to eat or bathe. You'll end up hating yourself!" but alas, I still want to go, that must mean I'm a masochist or something). On the same line, I am rather worried about medical school. I mean, I know I have some level of intelligence, otherwise I wouldn't have been able to get in at all (though, it did take me three years! yeesh!), but I wonder how well I'll handle it all, what with my apparent lack in attention span (squirrel!!!), and of course my utter failure at time management. But more than that, I am worried that I won't be able to make friends at school, and without a study group of friends, there is no way I'll pass - the only reason I did so well in half of my college courses was because I made Steve study with me (thanks Steve!). Clearly, this school won't be anything like Messiah College, where most people are relatively nice, and share a similar lifestyle, and that worries me. I had a difficult time making friends at college, and sometimes I think I only got along so well because I went to school with my best friend Brenda. But why waste time worrying? God will take care of me, and besides, even if I have a tough time at school, I will be able to go home to my best friend, my husband, my amazing Jon. I really hope that this isn't going to be too much for him. Moving to Scranton might be a big deal to him, as he is not much for change. Also, while I'll be in school nearly all the time, and I'll at least have the possibility of making friends there, he will be working an hour away from our apartment, and all of his friends will be more than an hour away. And since we are going to be living on a pretty tight budget, his ability to hang out with his friends might be hindered. I sure know how miserable that is. I get really lonely here, since most of my friends live far away, or are constantly busy, but then again, Jon isn't as crazy as me. Well, I lost my train of thought, but that was pretty good for me . . . . not like anybody is gonna read this anyway, but it is nice to have something to go back and read. Haha, I like reading the stuff from a few years ago, I was such a dork, still am! I should really write more often, because I'll be sorry a few years from now when I don't have anything to remember, since I have such a poor memory, I only remember what I have documented, in picture or words. And my actual journal is barely written in, as my wrists end up hurting too quickly with it, sad, it is such a pretty journal. Um, where was I? Er, dunno. Guess it's time to do something else. . . . Current Location: sellersville, the apt Current Mood: restless

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May 2nd, 2009

02:37 pm - me, married? I haven't posted in this forever, I really should make a habit out of it. So . . . I am married now! I am still unable to wrap my mind around the fact that I am no longer just Mallory Smith, but Mallory Markloff - it is quite strange. Everybody at work keeps asking me "so, how's married life?" and I am always unsure as to how to answer this, because to be perfectly honest, so far, it is pretty much no different from before, except now I have to learn how to sleep next to somebody (yeah, like it isn't hard enough for me to sleep as it is!). It sorta feels like we were already married, I went through that transition when I moved to Sellersville from Shippensburg (oh, how I miss shippensburg, all the martha smiths, and sammy! and the coffeeshop, thebeautiful view, and all the glorious sunsets over the mountains - but I'd give up a million shippensburgs if it meant I could be with my Jon). I had to learn how to handle Jon's family first of all, which took some time, and I'm still unsure how to act around them at times, but that's just because I'm me, the socially inadequate one. Haha, I remember I would hide up in my apt all day long waiting for Jon to come home from work. I still do this at times. I just can't fathom that people would want me to be hanging around them, I am constantly amazed at the fact that Jon wants me, and that his family seems to tolerate me well. Random side note - I miss marching band - is that weird? haha (i was listening to my itunes on shuffle, and one of our recorded band songs came up) I will never cease being a geek. Now I see why I am so bad at this, I must have add of some variety, because I had a clear idea of what i was gonna write, then i got distracted, now I am lost without a clue as to what I was trying to say in the first place - i guess it's one of those side effects from lack of sleep? Suppose I'll have to post another time - if i ever remember . . .

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December 23rd, 2008

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December 7th, 2008

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